Smack!

It has been almost a month since I had my surgery after my second miscarriage.  As I have written in some of my previous blogs having a miscarriage sucks!  Having two is worse.  For this second one I asked that the removed tissue be sent off to pathology to have some tests done to see if they could find a reason for the miscarriages.  My doctor called me with the report today.  Fortunately there were no chromosomal abnormalities and everything looked fine.  My doctor told me that when Terence and I are ready he has no concerns and said we did not have any increased risk for a miscarriage in the future.  Good news and a relief for sure.  The part of the phone call that hit me like a smack in the face was that my doctor told me that the baby I lost was a girl.  A girl!  Wow!  For some reason that really caught me off guard.  I did not even know they were going to test for gender much less tell me.  It made everything seem so much more real, made the loss feel a lot for tangible.  In some ways I'm glad to know, now I feel justified in my mourning.  I loved that baby girl, I miss her.  I miss that I won't ever be able to hold her.   It also makes me feel like I am free to mourn my last miscarriage as well because even though I did not know what the gender of that baby was I know it had a gender it was a baby (my gut feeling says that one was a boy).  I do feel like I got some closure from knowing that.
I know that everything happens for a reason.  I know that things always work out for the best and I know that Terence and I will have another baby some day.  I'm looking forward to that day but I am also trying to enjoy the time we have right now.  One thing my mom always says is to never say "I can't wait" because when you do you are wishing time away.  So I can wait to have another baby.  I am going to enjoy my two amazing little boys and awesome husband.  When the day does come that we add another person to our family it will probably be that much sweeter because it will be the right thing at the right time.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from this experience and know that whatever the future holds for our family will be for the best.