The Rollercoaster of Life

So I have debated with myself for a couple of days whether or not I was going to blog about this but decided that since my blog is the place I have chosen to keep my daily thoughts etc. that I needed to write about it.  Yesterday Terence and I found out that I have experienced a second miscarriage.  It was identical to what happened last time.  I got a positive pregnancy test back on June 25^th, Terence and I were excited but cautiously optimistic because my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  I called my doctor to tell them and just to be on the safe side they had me come in for blood tests to see how things were going.  My blood tests came back normal and my hormone levers were doubling every two days just as they should have been.  My progesterone levels were a little low on my first blood test so they gave me a supplement for that and the subsequent tests came back fine for that as well.  I could feel myself starting to feel optimistic that maybe things were going to work out this time.  I mean why would I think otherwise?  Aside from my last miscarriage I had two normal healthy pregnancies.  I had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong.  Somewhere in the back of my head I knew though.  I went in for a six week ultrasound on the 13^th and they saw a gestational sac but there was no baby, no heartbeat to be found and no fetal pole.  No problem they told me, my sac was measuring small just 5 weeks 2 days.  They wanted me to come back in another week to do another ultrasound since there was a possibility my dates were just off.  I made the appointment and over the last week I started having more symptoms of being pregnant, food aversions, and cravings, sick to my stomach.  Part of me wonders now if some of that was in my head and I was just hoping to be having  those symptoms.   Tuesday morning Terence and I left our house at 6am to make it to the hospital for my 7:00am ultrasound.  Once again I was optimistic but dreading it at the same time.  The tech began and I knew the second I saw it that the sac was still empty.  No baby.  She did some measurements, checked my right side and my left side, and then went back to the sac.  I asked her flat out if it was empty and she told me yes.  She was very sweet and compassionate and I appreciated that as I am sure she sees this a lot.  I also really appreciated having Terence there as the news would have been far more devastating without him.  My doctor came in to talk to us about the results, he said he wanted me to wait one more week before making any decisions as my sac did grow but he said at this point we should have seen a baby, a heartbeat, a yolk sac, a fetal pole.  So next week I will be having a second D&C to take remove the pregnancy.  Blighted Ovum is the technical term but to me, it’s our baby that died.

I will admit that after we left the doctor’s office I was devastated!  I drove to work on auto pilot but once I got there realized that it was not where I wanted or needed to be.  I decided the best place for me at that moment was the temple.  So I grabbed my computer and left.  I got to the temple a little early so I had some time to just sit and think, it’s so peaceful and quiet and I instantly felt a little better.  The name I took through the temple was Doris Oma Watson.  I know this was more than a coincidence;  my mom had an Aunt named Doris who died of breast cancer at a young age and my Oma was her sister (my maternal Grandmother, Oma is Dutch for Grandma).   My Mom said it was a simple way to show me that I had people looking out for me on the other side.  Once I left the temple I felt such peace.  Obviously I am still very sad but I also know that it happened for a reason.  This has yet again taught me some valuable lessons that I know will help me along the way and I'm grateful for those even if they are hard to learn.